Mistakes to Avoid with Grieving Children
Sometimes children say things that they don’t mean, and sometimes when adults are very emotional, it can come out in a barrage that wasn’t meant to be scary. However, it has the same effect.
One of the biggest mistakes that parents make is not coming to terms with the grief first before talking to a kid. It can be a crazy time for any kid, but seeing a parent in a different light can be just as confusing. In this case, you should think about how you’re interpreting the passing of the loved one and how to communicate those feelings with your kid in a compassionate, gentle way.
If there are multiple children, then it’s best to deliver the news to everyone at once. This avoids issues with “secret information” and a feeling of unrest that a kid may have if they can’t share the information. It can be difficult to talk about mortality around different maturity levels, so it’s best to keep the conversation as direct and straightforward as possible.
You should also avoid using euphemisms. For example, you shouldn’t tell your children that a person has gone to sleep, when you really meant that they have died. It doesn’t have the same permanence and can lead to further emotional issues once the kid realizes on their own that the person isn’t coming back or waking up.
If you don’t express any emotions, then your kid may not know how to think about an event, so it’s important to be forthcoming on your own as well. If you are feeling sad and lost, express these emotions to your kid who can understand how this person’s passing will affect them as well. However, you should always talk through these emotions and feelings, so that your children can understand what they are feeling.
Children shouldn’t be left alone for long periods of time. It can be difficult to handle multiple funeral arrangements and other appointments, but you will have to find ways to keep your kid with you and supported throughout this process. The worst thing for a kid is for them to feel alone as they are grieving. This can be even harder to do with older teenagers who may feel like they have to be a bigger adult by handling the grief all on their own.
Lastly, you never want to wait to tell someone that a person has died. Most therapists recommend that you tell your kid immediately. This will only lead to more problems. As soon as you can, you should have a deep conversation with your family about the loss and what it means for the immediate future, and if questioned, what it will mean for the long-term as well.
